The beach sucks, and you know it to be true. I like to go to the beach to do the 3 R’s, read, relax and make myself a recluse from the world. Today none of that happened. I got there, I laid my stuff down and started listening to the sounds of young parents lighting up a cigarette, as their children swam out further then they could be seen. I open my book and start to doze off into it when I heard some young group of guys talk about how they were going to ‘jack’ stuff from people’s areas. Instantly I open my eyes and sit up. Three red haired, freckled fucks, and two younger boys quickly notice me noticing them. Don’t steal other people’s shit when you’re wearing elastic band swim trunks. You’re not cool if you do that, and you’re never going to be cool unless you can change the way your undeveloped body looks. You look like three Rick Astleys and two Joey Fatones before puberty. Kill yourselves.
As I go back to reading my book, I hear two women walk past me. (And one thing I’ve noticed is that whenever someone walks by someone in the laying position, most of the time the one laying has to see who is walking by-that is a fact) I look up at the older than middle aged women just as one says to the other, “I don’t want to go somewhere where’s there’s a lot of traffic… Yes I do want to be by the water.” May be it’s just me, but she looked like she popped out several kids in her day so she should know; KIDS ARE HIGH TRAFFIC AND LOVE WATER. You can’t have both lady and for the you can’t have either of them. Just sit your ass down whenever you find a spot and deal with it. If you don’t want traffic also know as other FREE BEACH goers, then save up your money and get a lake house because bitch, there’s going to be high traffic.. on a public beach.. in Michigan.. during the days where it’s 95 degrees.
An hour or so has past where I stopped concerning myself with other people and just sneak a snoozey in before the beach really got crowded. I met up with my friends who were stationed about 25 yards away from me. I gather my things and lay down. Finally, the sun is out, I am clam, I am ready to do nothing, but my friends have ants in their pants and can’t sit still. Jesus. Sit still, and close your eyes and think about happy things! I feel like my mother (big bitch), who would tell me that when I couldn’t fall asleep when I was younger-and now whenever I can’t sleep when I am at their house. I realize I won’t be getting any RRRs so I just join in with the pointless banter of nothing.
Then it happened.. it’s like all the douche bags decided to come and sit by us. This guy, along with 4 girls, which that’s already weird, finds a spot on the beach near us. At first his American flag swim trunks made it seem as though he was cool and loved this fine country, but soon we found out he was the exact opposite and was a complete embarrassment to it. When he got closer, we realized he was one of those guys who is the actual definition of a douche bag. He was wearing a Miller Lite baseball cap, had several tattoos in which one was a sweet barbed wire going around his untoned bicep, and NONE went together, Johnny Knoxville mirrored aviators, a straight up potty mouth, and a disrespect for women that only small dicked man would tell about. One of the gems that he spouted off was that he has had sex with 9 different people- people, not girls; I’ll let it slide- but he couldn’t remember what 3 of their names were. Of course he couldn’t! He was probably black out on Jagerbombs! He’s so cool! Or the 3 girls were fat and he doesn’t want to look bad in front of his…bo… girl friends. Or because IT JUST DIDN’T HAPPEN. I have had relations with 15 different men. If the ones whose name I didn’t catch or didn’t want to know, I still gave a nickname to. It’s just out of respect.
Everyone of my girlfriends heard this and it was though we all had the same thought, “this guy sucks and now my beach experience is ruined.” He had a raunchy mouth as well as a disrespect for the public beach. Don’t get me wrong, I love swearing and talking about the weird shit I’ve done in beds across Michigan, but there’s a time and a place, and the place isn’t a family beach. It’s just not. It’s not cool to talk that way nor is it attractive. ”Fuck this” and “fuck that” Fuck you guy in a Miller Lite hat you’re acting like a fool; shut up. “All these seagulls are literally DICKS” No they aren’t. A literal dick is that small thing you play with in your jean shorts when a pretty girl with a lower back tattoo walks by at the local Wal Mart. “I’m getting my FUCKING NIPPLES PIERCED FOR BIRTHDAY BASH” Hm.. That’s not that original when you think about the circumstances; Country Music’s FREE concert at a speedway somewhere. Something tells me, it’s been done before. He went on and on yelling different sentences with different forms of FUCK in them and complaining about the seagulls. “Where’s a cookie I’m going to throw it at those dicks!” I have never witnessed a meth head before this day. It was crazy! The only reason why I think he was on meth is because WHAT NORMAL PERSON OVER THE AGE OF 8 GIVES A SEAGULL FOOD THINKING IT WILL LEAVE?! The answer is absolutely no one in their right mind would do that. That’s what terrorists do at beaches to ruin the American way, and make people hate them more.
I couldn’t stand it anymore. I gathered my things and left. I was even offended by the way that kid talked and I don’t have children. I hate people.